


The World Out There

by kamikatzenmama



Series: My Seba Diary [11]
Category: Marvel RPF, Real Person - Fandom, Sebastian Stan - Fandom, Winter Soldier RPF
Genre: And I would love to get comments or anything, F/M, In love with Sebastian Stan, Lot of feelings, Love, My Seba Diary, Sadness, This entry means a lot to me, Was crying while I wrote this, a lot of tears, imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:40:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1914792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamikatzenmama/pseuds/kamikatzenmama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My Seba Diary Entry<br/>(Short impressions of being in love with Seba Stan.)</p>
<p>"I was sad, once again. And I couldn't turn it off.</p>
<p>Sebastian was at an event and I was waiting alone at his home. <br/>Of course, I could have go with him, but that wasn't really my thing, and he knew that, it was okay. I didn't have to.<br/>But I blamed myself, and most of all it just hurt, to see him on pictures with others, but never with me..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The World Out There

 

 

I was sad, once again. And I couldn't turn it off.  
  
Sebastian was at an event and I was waiting alone at his home.   
Of course, I could have go with him, but that wasn't really my thing, and he knew that, it was okay. I didn't have to.  
But I blamed myself, and most of all it just hurt, to see him on pictures with others, but never with me.  
I was never part of it. There were no pictures of us in public.   
And sometimes the thought, that he might didn't want it at all, killed me.  
  
As his front door opened, I tried to displace all of that, I didn't want to stress him again with my stupid doubts, and welcomed him with a smile.  
"Hey." he said, threw his jacket down to the floor and pulled me in his arms. He sighed tired.  
"Long night." I stated. He nodded, let go of me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.   
"I just want to go to bed." he took my hand and pulled me with him.  
  
  
When we were together, he was really with me. That comforted me. There was only him and me.   
As if the world out there wouldn't exist. But it did.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked with a sleepy voice.   
Sometimes I was sure he could read my thoughts. We lay in bed and the light was off.  
I was lying snuggled close to him, he had one arm wrapped around me. His warmth felt good.   
And it was, as if I would want to absorb all of it, for bad days. For days without him.   
But that never really worked.  
I shook my head. "Nothing. Everything is fine." I mumbled against his chest. I could feel that he nodded.  
"And now the truth." he said worried. I sighed, I didn't want to annoy him all the time.  
"It's nothing, really." Now he sighed and turned on the light. I had a guilty conscience. He was so tired and now I kept him awake.  
He moved a little away from me, to see me better. Now we lay face to face and I looked at him apologetically. He raised his eyebrows.   
"So?" he asked, looking at me patiently.   
He never made me feel that I was annoying or too much, but I always had it.  
  
He caressed me with his hand encouragingly over my cheek. I shook my head slightly.   
"It's just, I don't know. I know we're together." I started and he knit his eyebrows thoughtfully. Great, already said something wrong, I thought.  
"But sometimes ..." I sighed, I didn't know how to explain it.   
"Just say it. It won't be that bad. I'm sure you're worried again, where nothing is to worry about." he smiled, poked my nose with his finger and I had to smile for a moment. But then the sadness came back.   
"Oh, my girl." he sighed and pulled me into his arms. "Don't be so sad all the time." He began to kiss my face. "There is no reason." he said, and I hid my face at his chest, sighing.   
"Tell me. That I can eliminate the cause and you're happy again." he murmured into my hair and I had to start to cry.   
"Until the next reason." I mumbled.   
"So be it." he replied, pulling me even tighter. I sighed.   
"I'm not part of your world." blurted it out of me.   
All of a sudden he pushed me away and looked at me in horror.   
"What?" he asked with wide eyes. I swallowed. He shook his head. "What?" he asked again, as if he didn't want to believe, what he just heard.   
Now I felt much worse. If that was even possible.   
"You don't really think that, right?" he asked, looking at me hurt. What did I just say? Damn. And yet I meant it. Tears still ran out of my eyes. I opened my mouth but I didn't know what to say.   
So I reached for my phone. I opened a photo from Instagram, where he was pictured with his friends and showed it to him.   
I was hoping he would know what I meant.   
"What do you see there." I whispered, and added. "Or rather, what you don't see." I carefully looked at him. He looked at the picture, nodded and ran his hand through his hair.   
"Sometimes I just wonder if I.. for the world outside.. your world.. if I do even exist." My voice was shaking, and I had a lump in my throat. I hoped all would be well again. But my gut told me the world was going down.  
  
  
We sat opposite each other on the bed. He was still looking at the phone. He looked so hurt and sad.   
I never had seen him so sad before. I didn't wanted that. I couldn't breathe.   
"No part of my world." he whispered, and it sounded like he was struggling with tears. I was trembling. He still looked to the phone, which had already turned off. I didn't dare to say something.   
He shook his head and stood up. That's it, I thought, now he doesn't want to see me anymore. But he just went back and forth, in front of the bed and ran his hand several times, probably after words seeking, through his hair. I was cold.   
Then he sat down again, with his back at me. I had deserved that.   
"Seba, I'm so sorry." I whispered, trembling with my voice full of tears. And wished it would undo everything.   
"You know" he began without looking at me. "I just don't want to share you, with the world out there." my heart was beating up in my throat and I dared hardly to breathe.   
"It's my fault that you - do you really think you're not part of my world?" with this question, he turned to me. But he gave me no time to respond. He took my face in his hands, looked into my eyes and I could see tears sparkle in his.   
"You're not part of my world." He shook his head briefly and I swallowed hard. "You are my world." he said and put his forehead against mine.   
Now I sobbed, could no longer restrain myself. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sat on his lap.   
He hugged me, briefly so tightly, that I thought he would break me.   
"I don't want to share you." he whispered on my neck. "I'm so glad you're nobody famous, no eyes are upon you. That I can have you all to myself." Then he shook his head and pushed me gently away a little to be able to see into my face. He shrugged briefly with his eyebrows.   
"It's my fault." he said and I shook my head.   
"No, no Seba .."   
"Hear me out." he interrupted me and sighed. "I've never seen it from your point of view. I wanted you for me and you have to feel like you would have to share me with the whole world."   
My mouth corner twitched. He was right.  
  
I ran my fingers over his face, I couldn't help it.   
"It would just be nice, if the world out there would know about me, and that -." I didn't dare to say it.   
I couldn't say that he was mine. I didn't own him. How should I say it.   
"That I belong with you?" he finished my sentence. I looked away embarrassed. He put his hand under my chin and lifted it up again. Sighing, he looked at me tiredly, but his eyes full of love.   
"We change that." he said firmly, lifted me off his lap, took my hand, then his phone and pulled me to a mirror.   
"No! Seba!" I protested. I looked terrible, swollen from crying and in sleeping clothes. Okay, I was wearing his shirt, I wouldn't find bad to show that. But wait.   
"Seba, but look, that doesn't fit." I pointed to our mirror images. He looked great, sleepy, tired and disheveled. Perfect.   
He typed on his phone. And I wanted to sneak away. But Sebastian pulled me back.   
He placed himself behind me and put his head on my shoulder.   
"See, we fit." he said, putting one of his arms securely around me. With the other he was holding the phone up. The camera was ready.   
"Yah, because I'm small. I fit everywhere." I said and he chuckled. "I look terrible." I complained.   
"You look great. My shirt totally works on you." he stated, smiling at me lovingly and I had to smile back. At that moment the camera clicked.   
  
He remained with me like that and looked at the picture. I looked at his face in the mirror. He seemed pleased. His smile even widened.  
"What? What are you doing?" I asked, he didn't let me go but grinned and tapped into his phone. "Seba!" I realized what he was doing. I freed myself from his arm and grabbed the phone, but it was too late and he smiled at me satisfied.   
  
With open mouth and wide eyes I stared at the screen.   
His account was opened and our picture posted. Under it he has written:   
Welcome to my world.

 

 

 


End file.
